Tuesday, January 6, 2015

The Rant 2.0

After few requests from  very close friends ( current and a pissed off ex). I will at least try finish the thought. 
Most of you are probably not aware about the pain of the half finished story. I guess, in order to explain it, I may have to use some similes. 

Imagine, you are alone in a cottage in Goa,  which you have booked months in advance just to get away from everything. You just have a 7 inch spring mattress in the room. It is close to  the beach, the waves are making a nice hum noise. It's  all very pleasant.
You are sipping pulpy orange and reading Sidney Sheldon. Suddenly(I am just kidding) you get a hard on (yes this is sexist). Now why would anyone get a hard on reading Sidney Sheldon?

Well, before I move on let me clarify that, though the name Sidney sounds like a well endowed, hot, blonde chick in a tank top and shorts with sexy,shining, and  waxed  legs, bending down to adjust her slippers(OK,I need to stop). He was a "tharki" dude, who was possessed by the ghost of a famous french prostitute. There is no  other way a man could write  such graphic  sex scenes from a point of view of a woman, book after book, page after page. Not only you get a hard on, you may also want to  do something about it. And I am not talking about keeping the book aside and  logging into your premium X-Videos account. But balancing the book on one hand and letting the other do its job.

Suddenly, the same chick, whom I just described above, knocks on your door. You are startled , none of  us like interruptions during the "special  moments". You curse under your breath. You are in a dilemma of  whether or not to wash your left hand. Oh! who cares, its my body part after all.
You pull your pants up, to hide the contours of your pole and walk up to the door. You open it and before she says hi, your heart has already starting pumping blood at 1600 bar pressure.

You are dazzled, a firangan in my room. The ultimate fantasy of every Indian who visit Goa. Doesn't she read the news or watch  TV channels?  India is  new the rock star in the rapes category at UN.

She just asks for water. You are struggling with all your hormones and years of frustration with gf's who  never delivered.You want to record this ephemeral  and rare act of Kamdev in HD in your brain for "those moments" .

She sips the water slowly. Her luscious lips are wet. She has a thick lower lip with a little bit of pout. Her upper lip is very aggressive and soft ,like a rose petal.

What am I doing? Imagine if my sibling reads this and then translates it to my grandma ?

My long held back manglik horoscope might finally get released for the sharks. 

You have that gut feeling that may be your " Bramhcharya " is finally over. You try to  have some small talk. She doesn't seem to be interested in talking. Oh! gotcha, she wants action man.

One of you friends had put one rubber sachet in your back pack. You blushed, and even protested
Now, in your mind you are already framing the story which  is going to be the main theme in the upcoming "daru parties" or may the subject of a new blog " How I rocked the beach and was thrown out by the owner?"

You inch your body closer to her. She smells so  good, is it peach or litchi?Till that time, she takes off her tank top. Now you are salivating like a dog in heat. All those GBs of %^%^ could not have prepared you for this view.

You have finally lost  your control, you are poking your nose into her neck and doing things, which lead to the common problem of pre-evacuation.

But suddenly someone slaps you from behind and pulls you by the cord of your shorts.

You turn around,and  the sight that meets your eye is of a 7 feet tall,burly black dude. His biceps are well formed and thick. Your mind immediately calculates the pros and cons of flight or fight  and you hold back your hand. They speak some weird sounding language. You are dragged and drugged.

All your money , clothes and even the pulpy orange is taken away. You mouth is gagged with your own underwear, you  so wish to have at least rinsed it.

Sleep is taking over me now.... did I just write a short film on KLPD?....

good night folks, Sidney Sheldon has helped me many times  to pass those long summer nights in  Pant Nagar.( I had a single room in  3rd year).

Typos are all mine...don't ignore them...

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