Sunday, May 18, 2014

Essential Survival Guide for Men in India

WoW, you found no other coordinates on this vast earth , but India to take birth. So,welcome to the grind asshole.

1. First thing that everybody will hide from you is the forbidden knowledge of sex, and that's the reason you get to know it pretty early. But, remember ,that knowledge can never turn practical until you have not fed at least a thousand fat ass people and spent half your fortune on the drama, which is called the Great Indian Marriage.95% of Indians work their ASS off just that nobody can raise a bloody finger when they marry off the product of their loins. So, bottom line, unless you look like Ryan Gosling, make your right hand your Girlfriend (It will never fail you).

2. Never ever, I repeat, Never ever (not unlike Arnab) pick up paint brush or read any poetry except for exams or if Art n Crafts Madam wears a deep neck blouse. And don't even think of composing or writing something new. It's a crime in India you  came out of the womb with just one mission , to crush the exams/entrances and give an orgasm to your good-for- nothing  teachers and  a heart attack to your neighbour/relative whose ward just lost it by one mark and now cannot find another house to escape the taunts.
Van-Goghs in India are not killed by bullets but with arrows of poisonous taunts.

3. Commit all the gotras, sub-fucking -gotras, the caste lines, which-surname-means-which caste to your memory even before the first hair strand grows under those balls. Use this search engine whenever a girl smiles at you. It will prevent a serious heart injury later.

4. Never task "real questions” to your teachers unless you want to end up on their blacklist. This is a cardinal sin. Just ask whether the topic is "in the syllabus or not". Indians have passed their knowledge (I mean Gita, Vedas etc ) from one generation to another verbally. So, if you can rote learn anything, you can easily find yourself among the top three names on the blackboard. Start practicing on that pretty early. It will come handy all your life.

5. Hard work in India means only one thing, doing sincerely the  job which you hate with all your guts and excelling in it. Learn this craft early.

6. The only period of Independence you will get is between the end of college and marriage. After that you will have two masters, boss for the day and bitch for the night. So, whatever your dreams or desires are,make a list and just fuck it. 

7. If you are a north Indian, never work in South India and vice versa. It’s self-explanatory. All scientists and Phds are from South and all truck drivers from north. So, believe me, don't do that. Because ,nobody gets Ananya in Chennai, but Anna.

8. If you think, hard work and sincerity and for that matter honesty will take you places, you shouldn't have come out on the delivery due date. Sycophancy and butt licking is the first course you will learn in your day job. So, better start early.

PS: I just couldn't sleep, hence the bullshit.

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